D-Bag Better Step It Up This Round

The Sharks 2nd round opponent will be the Detroit Red Wings.  That was determined after last night’s 6-1 Detroit win over Phoenix.  This is a matchup that is bound to have a lot of Sharks fans worried.  It may even have Dany Douchebag a but concerned.  Dany hasn’t scored yet these playoffs, and for a guy that’s supposed to be an elite goal scorer, having a prolonged goalless drought can really get in your head.  To make matters worse, here’s Dany’s stat line versus Detroit this season:

GP |   G   |   A   |   PT   | +/-   |

4  |    0  |    3   |     3    |  +3   |

That’s right, no goals.  While the team did have regular season success, and lets face it they have success against everyone during the regular season, Dany was limited to the assist column.

With the time of between series being touted as time for Dany to heal, he’s also going to be expected to put up a few goals this series.  If he doesn’t, you can bet the media will be on him this time around.  And then what happens when Dany becomes a whipping boy for a team with huge expectations?  Well, just look at his past.

Don’t Quit Your Day Job Dany

Dany Douchebag was invited to throw out the first pitch at a Giants game.  And then he did this:

You’ll have to notice that the young lady throwing beside the All-Star  manages not only to get the ball to the catcher, but throw was was probably a strike.

In Heater’s defense, pitchers do get most of their drive from their legs, and well, she has more impressive thighs than he does.  It all comes down to strength here, and clearly she’s the stronger of the two.  Maybe it’s time for Dany to spend some time in the weight room this summer.  Those chicken legs are giving All-Stars a bad name.

A Round 1 Disappointment

For some reason, there are people that have been praising Dany Douchebag for his stellar playoff performance.  And those same people are bashing other player who have contributed much more than Dany Heatley.  So how exactly do these stat lines compare?

Here’s Dany:

Given Heatley’s stellar stat line so far that includes no goals and only 4 assists from the former 50 goal scorer, you’d probably be surprised to learn that there are some players with much better stat lines being absolutely beaten to death in the media.

Here’s Heater’s former setup man Jason Spezza:

Here’s another former teammate, Ilya Kovalchuk:

And Just to finish this off, here’s a player that shouldn’t even be in Heatley’s league when it comes to a stat line.

Here’s Chris Neil:

So tell me, how is it that the douchebag gets a free pass from the media types, and Kovalchuk is being blamed for the end of hockey in New Jersey?

A Big Anniversary For Dany D-bag

Today is a huge anniversary in the life on one Dany D-bag.  It was today, April 25th, way back in 2006, that Dany got into his only career NHL fight.  Making sure he had his almost full face shield in place, Dany took on Nolan Pratt.  Of course when Nolan actually landed a punch, Dany immediately asked for the fight to end.  Luckily for him, Nolan was nice enough not to beat his ass.  Here’s the fight:

Dany Misses Game 3

Our boy Dany Douchebag missed game 3 against the Avalanche last night.  It turned out to be one of the most bazaar playoff games in Sharks history.  But back to focusing on Dany.  Dany wasn’t in the lineup and now there is a lot of speculation as to why.

Was it an injury?  If so, to what?

Was he benched?

Did Douchebag not want to play?

To get some ideas as to why he wasn’t playing, I’ve gone to the comments sections of the sports world for suggestions:

• Yeah, injury, I’m sure. He probably realizes SJ won’t get out of the first round and has demanded a trade.
• I think it’s called ‘I can’t produce in the playoffs-itis’…not a new injury he has had it for the last 3 years…a recurring injury has been prone to for years!
• it’s obviously alcoholic poisoning … or a hangnail … or menstrual cramps …
• And… this just in: Dany Heatley is refusing to play and demands a trade to Phoenix. “Hey, at least they ain’t afraid of the opposition.”
• He has an undisclosed attitude ailment
• Heatley was out with an upper body injury….they can’t find his heart

Well you get the point.  He’s a douchebag.  It will be interesting to see what the real issue is.  He didn’t take the optional morning skate yesterday, and then didn’t play.

Yeah, That’s Much Better Dany

When Dany D-bag was traded to the Sharks, there was all this wild talk that he would score 60 goals (Ray Emery), and that he would be the best goal scorer in the league. Joe Thornton was certainly a better passer than Jason Spezza. Heater was bound to light the lamp so many times there would be a shortage of red light bulbs in the bay area. Yeah, how’d that work out?

2008 – 2009: 39 Goals

2009 – 2010: 39 Goals

Gee Dany, what’s going on?  Are you experiencing a diminished role in San Jose?  Did you get relegated to the 2nd power play unit?  Is Big Joe not giving you the disc?

Yeah, Thornton is clearly a much better passer for you.  Oh and can you please explain how a guy that didn’t even play with Joe and yourself full time, and was often given much tougher checking assignments managed to put up 43?  Where did that Patrick Marleau guy come from Dany?  Back in 2006 – 2007, when you were scoring 50 goals, Marleau only had 32.  That’s weird.  He’s also older than you.  He’s leaving his prime.  You’re supposed to be the goal scoring superstar.  I’m confused Dany.  Either you’re not the player you said you were, or Joe Pavelski can dish the nugget much better than Joe Thornton.

You’re gonna have to explain this one Dany.  I know it can’t possibly be your fault.  Maybe you should ask for another trade.  At least wait till the Sharks get bounced by the Avalanche though.  You don’t want to be premature.  We know you have a problem with that.

Unfrozen Caveman Heatley

Heatley loved SNLs Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer skits so much that just a few years ago, he tried to put together his own feature length which he would star in.  Here’s a pic:

And here’s a video of SNL Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer:

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer video by Hannah_Pittman – Photobucket
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